For a change from New Year’s Resolutions that never seem to resolve anything anyway, let’s begin 2007’s truth-telling in a lighthearted mood.Travel not only broadens your horizons and expands your waistline—it also brings you funny moments at the most unexpected times and places, especially when you count on signs to find your way around. I for one find some signs so amusing or downright hilarious that I collect them, either jotting them down in a memo pad or photographing them whenever possible. Friends who know of my unusual “collection” contribute to it, too; so, enjoy what I have to show after 30 years of periodic globetrotting. (A word of caution, though: many of the signs here are Strictly For Adults Only).
Let’s start in Paris, where a cozy hotel reminds guests to: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
A rather apologetic sign at a hotel lobby in Bucharest says with all good intentions: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Across from a Russian Orthodox monastery in Moscow, a hotel welcomes tourists with this sign in the lobby: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Very politely, a hotel in Tokyo has this sign in its rooms: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
Elsewhere in Japan, a hotel’s Instruction Sheet for using the air conditioner says: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
And speaking of self-control, see this reminder in the rooms of a Zurich hotel: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
So as not to tire guests having to iron their own clothing, a hotel in Yugoslavia tacks this warm reminder on the rooms’ door: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
With the same concern for guests, a hotel in Japan posts this in the rooms: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In case a chambermaid is unavailable, and the guests’ lack of care in ironing their clothes results in fire, this hotel in Vienna shows foresight with this sign: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
Mindful of its guests’ safety, a notice in the rooms of a Chiang-Mai hotel in Thailand cautions: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
Solicitors invading the rooms may not be a problem for a hotel catering to skiers in Austria, but some of its rowdy guests might be, thus the warning: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Sightseeing is made more enjoyable when you’re also “sign-seeing”. Look at this one posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
A zoo in Budapest advises enthusiastic tourists with this sign: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
This one in a Third World cemetery is well meaning, but still manages to tickle the imagination: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
A sign at a Bangkok temple wags its finger at insensitive tourists: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Bars and restaurants offer their share of funny bone ticklers. Here’s a nutty one from a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
A cocktail lounge in Norway, meanwhile, shows such care in protecting the innocent: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
In a restaurant in Rome, this sign implies there are 521 days a year: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
A Nairobi restaurant notice matter-of-factly states: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
Restaurant menus also offer humor besides nourishment: Note this one from a Swiss restaurant in Fribourg: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
And from a quaint restaurant in Poland’s countryside: SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
A new type of omelet seems a specialty in a roadside restaurant in Luxor, Egypt: WE SERVE OMELETTE WITH EGGS.
Roadside reminders are another source of travel fun. Right here at home, a sign cautions motorists in Tagaytay: PLEASE DRIVE SLOWLY. 6 PEOPLE DIED HERE BY ACCIDENT.
To wake up sleepy local tourists on the road to Malolos, a billboard advertising chicken feed boasts: PALAKIHAN NG ITLOG.
While you fill up at a gasoline station in Tarlac, an invitation painted on its wall says: DROP IN. THIS IS A GOOD PLACE TO TAKE A LEAK.
Travel agencies do their part in making your trip mishap-free—as this one from Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Sometimes travel agents’ enthusiasm leads to ambivalence, like this long-winding claim noted at a tourist bureau in Padova, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Sometimes, too, airline ticket offices may not be the most helpful of places; see this sign in Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
The Japanese countryside is so beautiful even its travel tips can get to be poetic, as this one found in a car rental brochure in Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

There’s more on the list, really, but I guess this is enough gasser for the day, lest some extra-sensitive reader ask, “What’s a column like that doing in an august, dignified paper for bishops?” Well, as any honest-to-goodness church person can tell you, bishops wouldn’t be able to endure being bishops if they didn’t know how to be human and laugh once in a while. And that’s the truth.
(NOTE: This article first appeared in the author's column "And that's the truth" which appears regularly in The CBCP Monitor, the official publication of the Catholic Bishops' Conference of the Philippines.)