Listening to gays--and loving them

Part 1:  What do gays really want?

            They’ve done it again—secular media misrepresenting Pope Francis, this time zeroing in on his words "If a person is gay and seeks the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge that person?... these persons must never be marginalized and they must be integrated into society…"  spoken during

the press briefing held on his return flight from Brazil’s World Youth Day celebrations.  The Holy Father said something perfectly Christian, yet gay marriage advocates would be quick to take that as a sign that this pope is pro-gay and will be the one to deliver the Catholic Church from the dark ages, quote unquote.

            The more countries come to legalize same sex marriage, the more convinced I get that advocates and legislators of gay marriage alike neither understand nor accept the meaning of the word “marriage.”  At least that’s what I observe.  In spite of their insistence that in their same-sex marriage advocacy all they want is “equal rights” for gays, what they actually want is for everybody else to change their view of reality.  In the process they sometimes get themselves in ridiculous situations that seem to uncover envy as the root of their cause, like this garden wedding held at a restaurant in the suburbs.

            The waiters were giggling in the kitchen because they had heard the pastor say to the couple, “Ang churva ng Panginoon, magmahalan kayo…” Churva is a word found in the Filipino gay vocabulary, as followers of local noontime television only know too well.  It turned out the pastor was gay, and so were the bride and the bride.  One of them wore a white party dress, the other sported manly attire; the pastor wore a chasuble.  The wedding was replete with cord, candle and veil, with corresponding sponsors, and the pastor used grape juice instead of wine for the “consecration”.  At the reception that followed, the newly weds cut a wedding cake and fed each other a spoonful, while

the pastor teased a boyish looking waiter (in Pilipino), “Are you circumcised?”, giving the kitchen staff more giggle time.

            What are gays and lesbians really after when they lobby for same-sex marriage, I asked a gay friend.  He replied, “We are envious—kayo lang ba ang may karapatan?  We want to have beautiful weddings like you guys, to publicly declare our love for each other, to live together openly!  We want commitment from our partners, it would be nice to be someone’s one and only forever and ever…”  He knows it is wishful thinking, though; he would not dare march in the streets to get his heart’s desires because even admitting he’s gay would be his undoing.  He is Muslim, and his father in Mindanao would disown him if he found out his son “is a woman trapped in a man’s body.”  He continued,  “I have a cousin who’s also gay.  When in our hometown, min kami, we act and sound like men, malaki ang boses namin at saka barako kaming mag-aasta, pero sa men’s room, tita, naga-apir kami, ahahay!  Dito lang sa Manila ladlad ang kapa namin!  Otherwise, babayoo, inheritance!”           

            This gay Muslim friend studied in and graduated from Catholic universities, so he knows the Church teaching on marriage—a sacrament involving one man and one woman, a gift from God to humanity leading to procreation, the foundation of the family, etc.  He is quite resigned to his fate that one day he will have to court a woman, “My family and my community expect me to get married and

 have a family.  In fact, my father even wants me to run for mayor—poor, unsuspecting papa, bless his soul!  In a way I am lucky because my life at least follows a relatively safe path, unlike those gay marriage advocates who are lost.  I’m gay, I understand them, but I really think they’re lost.  If you tell them about marriage being a sacrament, they’ll laugh at you!  They don’t care what the Church teaches; they feel deprived and discriminated against, all they care about is to get even by crying for the same privileges as the heterosexual couples.”

Part 2:  Gay marriage in the Philippines?

Would the same-sex marriage movement allegedly gaining ground among First World governments catch on in the Philippines?  I don’t think so.  Homosexuals from conservative families (like my Muslim friend) or those in sensitive occupations like teaching or civil service would be too resigned to care or dare to join lobby groups, knowing they have much to lose if they did.

The gays from the masses—like the four street dwellers I met at a soup kitchen who live in a kariton—believe that being dirt poor they have nothing to lose anyway so they just do their thing.  They scavenge for a living and all their belongings are in their kariton; they sleep where the night finds them; they rely on broken fire hydrants, the Pasig River, and public toilets to wash themselves and their clothes.  What’s more important for them is their survival, and not supporting some alien concept they have no need for. 

Same sex marriage pressure groups abroad might hope to find some sympathy and support from the high profile gays, but in our country the latter enjoy more privileges than the average Filipino, so how can they possibly feel deprived or discriminated against?  They are not only tolerated or accepted, they are even admired and adored—they are celebrities who host radio and TV shows, star in movies, endorse products in big time advertising, hobnob with the elite whose parties they write about in their lifestyle columns.   They have big businesses (not only fashion-related) and make no efforts to hide their sexual preferences; they even let media friends publicize the plush homes they   Would they need to march in the streets in the name of “equal rights”?  They don’t need to change laws to make them happy—they can fly off anytime to have their gay wedding in Las Vegas.

share with their long time lovers.

So, what kind of gays might be influenced to join the gay marriage bandwagon?  One group could be the “un-churched”, those who grew up without being taught the social and moral value of marriage but want the ritual ceremony anyway.   

Another would be the “incurable romantics” who, in spite of their membership in a church, tend to blindly follow fads and ape their celebrity idols.  Here belongs the parlorista who used to cut my hair—a biological male who insists he is a girl and uses birth control pills to make him look like one.  He is young enough to sincerely hope and pray that his boyfriend will give up his girlfriend in order to marry him.

Comprising the third group would be those who had been traumatically rebuffed by their family and society for being “queer” children—this may include similarly wounded intellectuals who have come to reject the moral guidance offered by any religion.

A fourth would be those who equate being openly gay with being cool, relying on First World militant gay support for affirmation—or for higher popularity ratings as in the case of certain celebrities who have recently come out of their straight closet.

Unable to see beyond their own satisfaction, these above-mentioned gays, whether male or female, are not in a position to care about the long-range effects of homosexual relationships on public health, national economy, peace and order, and population growth.  They would hardly be conscious of the hidden agenda of gay marriage advocates nor would they likely scrutinize the demands of same-sex marriage advocates before taking the latter’s side.  For them the issue is simply one of belonging—by identifying with the militant gays they believe they belong, they feel empowered, they acquire a voice.

Part 3:  I love gays

Are gay marriage advocates really asking for something special?  In my humble opinion, yes and no.  Through centuries of being seen as abnormal, “freaks of nature” and Creation’s laughable mistake, homosexuals have come to believe they are society’s rejects.  In our age when freedom of expression is considered an undeniable human right, they speak up, naturally!  But I believe that behind all the noise they create, deep in their heart of hearts all they want is to be accepted just like any other human being.  In that sense, No, they are not asking for anything special.  But some of them who may have deeper wounds than others could, in wanting to be accepted, unwittingly abuse their freedom of expression, and thus clamor for “gay marriage”, oblivious to the fact that they are overstepping boundaries and trampling on the heterosexuals’ rights and religious liberty to preserve the meaning, purpose, and institution of marriage.  In that sense, Yes, they are asking for way too much.

For the record, let me just say here: I love gays—of both genders.  And they love me, too.  Whether strangers, colleagues or friends, the gays in my life easily     open up to me like I were the reincarnation of Tia Dely Magpayo—they air their woes and fears, ask for my advice and prayers, bring me gossip, daydream in my presence, give me beauty tips, and in moments of euphoria talk to me about their bed habits until I blush.  They need not pretend with me.

Encounters with gays both amuse and educate me and offer me glimpses into the human condition, and when they speak most sincerely from their guts, sometimes I am led into a different world—like that time I interviewed in the mid-70s the first Filipino sex-change patient; or that instance when a priest sighed to me about his inner struggle as a covert, non-practicing homosexual bound by a vow of chastity; or when another gay friend just “born again and accepted Jesus as his savior” over a cholesterol-laden dinner asked me, “Does the Lord really want me to give up everything?  Can’t I keep even only one boyfriend na lang?”

Sometimes I think gays open up to me because they sense I have an ear and a heart for them.  A   It’s her kind of gay that’s most poignant to listen to, because she hasn’t quite come to terms with herself—she fumes when people ask if she’s gay.  She insists she will marry a man someday, but while Mr. Right hasn’t come along, she revels in same-sex affairs.

lesbian friend says that with me she feels “like a tilapia in a tilapia pond”, at home and cozy.

I feel blessed to have gay friends, for they can be some of the most honest and brutally frank people around.  And while they bare their souls to me, they also take wholeheartedly what I have to dish out—whether advice or admonition which I dispense with clinical detachment.  I never have to mince words with them, like some days back when the subject of same-sex marriage popped up as we were having cocktails at a movie premiere.  My limp-wristed friends asked me if I’d been to a gay wedding.  I said no, but told them about the first hand report on the churva garden wedding I mentioned earlier (in Part 1 of this series).

My friends thought my little story was a blast; we were the noisiest table in the room.   In a burst of optimism one of them said, “There is hope for gay marriage for Catholics since Pope Francis is pro-gay.”  I snapped, “Sorry to disappoint you, guys; the pope may be pro-gay, but not pro-gay marriage—same with me,” and then I gave them a mean piece of my mind:  “I love you all, you know that, and whatever you do with your boy toys is your business, really, but don’t try to change the dictionary, pleeeze!”  (“Mother, we’re not changing the dictionary, we’re crying for equal rights!  Kayo lang ba ang may karapatang magpakasal?”)  “By all means, fight for your equal ek-ek rights,

privileges, opportunities, whatever, I’ll march to Malacanang with you if you are getting inhuman treatment from anyone, but leave marriage alone!  (“But we want lifetime commitment, fancy weddings, love in the open, mama!”)  Legalizing your union, hindi kaya ng powers kong pigilin yan, but don’t call it a marriage.  Don’t try to create a “new normal” and call it by an old name—it won’t work.  Marriage is between a natural male and a natural female, created for the propagation of the human race, foundation of the family.  To make another human being you need sperm from the male and ova from the female.  That’s a fact of life, and a law of nature.  Even Grade 5 pupils know that. Sperm and sperm, ovum and ovum—no way!  Male plus male equals a swordfight.  Female plus female, clanging cymbals.  Gets nyo?” 

LOL!  Mwah-mwah!  Apir!  Everybody’s happy—a win-win situation.  Despite the blunt language they get my drift.  I think it’s because deep down inside they know that—I love gays, not because they’re gay but because they are human beings.  And that’s the truth.